


I wanna shoop, baby

by Royalrastafariannaynays



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Background Relationships, Dave Raps, Karkat's memos, Kissing, Meteorstuck, Multi, Pesterlog, Shy Dave, not a songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 08:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6366127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalrastafariannaynays/pseuds/Royalrastafariannaynays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is very bad at talking about his feelings, so he attempts to serenade Karkat in memos to tell him how he feels. He fails a few times before getting something right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wanna shoop, baby

\-- CarcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS FOR MASSIVE MORONS] --

CG: AS MANY OF YOU ARE AWARE  
CG: THERE HAS BEEN A HORRIBLE INCIDENT  
GC: FOR TH3 L4ST T1M3  
GC: TH3 HUM4N COF33 MAK3R BR34K1NG DO3S NOT QU4L1FY 4S 4 TR4G3DY  
AG: Nor does it m8ke 8 memos in two d8ys a8out it reasona8le.  
CG: THEN WHAT ELSE, PRAY TELL, DOES, ON THIS SHIT SHOW OF A FLYING HUNK OF SPACE ROCK?  
TT: What Is It That You Wished To Say, Karkat?  
CG: WHY ARE YOU USING ROSE’S PHONE, KANAYA?  
TT: She Has Taken Mine And Will Not Return It Until I Do Her A Favor  
TT: Which I Was Going To Get To Promptly, But Then You Opened This Memo  
TT: Now Please Dear, Get On With It  
CG: FAVOR?  
GC: OH G33Z  
GA: I don’t think you quite want to know, Karkat. If I really do say myself.  
CG: GROSS.  
TG: gross  
AG: Get on with it, Kark8.  
CG: AT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE EIGHT, YOU PANDERING NINCOMPOOP.  
TG: thats a new one  
CG: THANK YOU. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING SOME OF THE OLD EARTH MOVIES EGBERT SENT ME. THEIR SLANG ADDS FLAVOR TO MY OWN IN A WAY THAT I’VE BEEN FINDING SCINTILLATING.  
TG: really makes you sound that much more vicious  
CG: SOMETHING ABOUT THAT TONE MAKES ME THINK YOU’RE NOT BEING SERIOUS  
TG: what tone  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, ASSHOLE.  
GC: K4RK4T!!!  
AG: KARK8T!!!!!!!!  
TC: honk  
GA: Karkat.  
TT: Karkat Please.  
CG: FINE.   
CG: BACK TO THE COFFEE MAKER.  
CG: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOMEONE EITHER FIXED IT OR ALCHEMIZED A NEW ONE.   
CG: I JUST WANTED TO THANK THEM.  
TG: youre welcome mcshouty  
CG: HA HA HA, STRIDER, DON’T TAKE CREDIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S HARD WORK.  
TG: i seriously fixed it  
TG: even left a note and everything  
TG: you didnt find it did you  
GC: 1 FOR ON3 B3L13V3 H1M  
GC: H3 SM3LLS D3L1C1OUS R1GHT NOW  
CG: STOP BEING CREEPY TEREZI.  
GC: YOU L1K3 1T K4RK4T >8 ]   
GC: HOW D4V3 SM3LLS 1 M34N   
CG: STILL BEING CREEPY.   
CG: ANYWAYS THAT’S IT.   
CG: FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  closed memo to [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS FOR MASSIVE MORONS] -- 

 

\--  CarcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS FOR MASSIVE MORONS] -- 

AG: Not this ag8n……..   
CG: NOT YOUR BAD TYPING QUIRK AGAIN……..   
TG: haha ouch   
CG: NOW THAT I FIRMLY HAVE EVERYONE’S ATTENTION IN ONE HAND   
GC: 4ND YOUR BULG3 1N TH3 OTH3R   
CG: I WANTED TO ASK IF ANYONE WANTED TO HAVE A MOVIE NIGHT TONIGHT   
CG: THERE’S A HUMAN MOVIE THAT EGBERT RECOMMENDED   
GC: 1S 1T 4 ROM4NC3   
CG: WHAT ELSE IS THERE, HONESTLY?   
TT: A plethora of genres, Karkat.   
CG: I MEAN WHAT ELSE IS THERE THAT MEANS ANYTHING.   
GA: Well.   
TG: only if the protagonist is a smoking hot pile of prime human buttflesh lets be honest   
CG: THAT’S HARDLY IMPORTANT IF THE STORY IS GOOD.   
TT: Prioritization of appearance is odd for you, David.   
TG: what can i say   
TG: i dont want no scrubs   
TT: Please don’t.   
TG: see if you cant expand my horizons   
TG: then that leaves you in a class with scrubs never risin   
CG: WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT NOW, STRIDER?   
TG: ummm   
TT: Oh gods.   
TG: youre packed and youre stacked specially in the back   
CG: WHAT.   
TG: brother wanna thank your mother for a butt like that   
TG: can i get some fries with that shake shake bootie   
TG: if looks could kill you would be an uzi   
CG: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.   
TT: I don’t know if this is more embarrassing or hilarious, David.   
TG: youre a shotgun – bang   
TG: whats up with that thang   
CG: STOP, STRIDER.   
TG: too direct or   
CG: THE INANITY OF IT ALL IS MAKING MY PAN OOZE   
TG: not the only thing thats oozing   
TG: ka chow   
TT: David, I understand that you’re too much of a coward to assess these feelings in person, but the best place is definitely not in front of a group of your peers.   
TG: aw come on rose   
TG: stop making things where theyre not   
TG: we all know how fun it is to harass karkabooty over here   
TT: The way that I can see you poking him repeatedly with one of your feet is not helping your case.   
CG: AND IT’S ANNOYING. STOP MAKING SHOE STAINS ON MY CLEAN PANTS.   
TG: aight yall caught me   
TG: im just bored have some… pity   
CG: TOO FAR, STRIDER.   
TG: or is it not far enough   
CG: YOU’RE OFFICIALLY UNINVITED FROM MOVIE NIGHT UNTIL YOU FORM A MATURITY GLAND CLUSTER.   
TG: oh   
TG: oh diddly darn   
TG: whatever will i do   
CG: I DON’T KNOW. BUT IT WON’T BE WATCHING A MOVIE. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  closed memo to [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS FOR MASSIVE MORONS] -- 

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR meme malarcky hottie bodies] -- 

CG: OKAY   
CG: WHO CHANGED THE FUCKING BOARD NAME   
CG: I KNOW I HAVEN’T MADE A MEMO FOR HALF A PERIGEE BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN JUST GO CHANGE MY SHIT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.   
CG: THE NAME ISN’T EVEN GOOD.   
TG: lay off man it was inspired   
CG: BY WHAT EXACTLY   
TG:   
TG: shouldnt have said that   
CG: SIGH   
CG: LOOK STRIDER JUST DON’T CHANGE MY FUCKING MEMOS 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  [MODERATOR OVERLORD] changed the name of the memo board to [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] and closed the memo to [EVERYONE] -- 

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAMBO MEMOS] – - 

CG: WHAT IN THE FUCK   
CG: WHO IS MAMBO AND WHY ARE THEY IN MY MEMO BOARD NAME   
TG: theyre just like   
TG: angela   
TG: pamela   
TG: sandra   
TG: and rita   
CG: WHAT THE BLISTERING   
TG: and as i continue you know theyre gettin sweeter   
CG: FUCK   
TG: a lil bit of monica in my life   
TG: a lil bit of erica by my side   
CG: ARE THESE NAMES?!   
TG: a lil bit of rita is all i need   
TG: a lil bit of tina is what i see   
TT: Are we going to get to the point today, Dave?   
GC: C4N 1T, TH1S 1S 3NT3RT41N1NG >8]   
TG: a lil bit of sandra in the sun   
TG: a lil bit of mary all night long   
GC: OH, 1T’S RHYM1NG   
GC: SL4M PO3TRY?   
CG: NO, NOT GOOD ENOUGH   
GA: I Do Believe These Are In Fact Human Names   
TG: a lil bit of jessica here i am   
TT: Oh… so I was right.   
TG: a lil bit of you makes me your man   
TT: This is a fairly well known human song, for all the uninformed trolls present.   
CG: IS THIS WHAT HE’S BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME?   
CG: SINGING?!   
CG: THAT’S WHAT’S UP WITH THE CONSTANT INANITY COMING FROM THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF THE MOST OBNOXIOUS KNIGHT EVER KNOWN?   
TT: I can see him dancing a little, from here. So, yes. I believe so.   
CG: OH SUFFERER.   
GA: Tell Me About It.   
TG: i do all i do   
CG: DAVE.   
TG: to fall in love with a   
CG: DAVE STOP.   
CG: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.   
TG: ...   
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SINGING. IN TEXT OF ALL THINGS.   
TG: uh.   
TG: im sorry man ill stop   
GA: He Has Left The Room.   
TT: I was under the impression that the two of you are close friends by now.   
CG: WE   
GA: I Was Under That Impression As Well.   
TG: were cool i understand   
CG: DAVE STRIDER. STOP BEING A STUPID WRIGGLER.   
TG: ill stop it ill stop bothering you   
CG: THIS ISN’T ABOUT THAT, CALM DOWN.   
TG: well i guess ill try but no guarantees its hard to cool down since my rhymes are always on fire   
CG: GOOD. NOW WHY ARE YOU SINGING.   
TG: …   
TT: This is quite a development. Isn’t it?   
GA: What Are You Talking About?   
CG: YES, PLEASE DO SHARE.   
GC: H4H4H4H4H4   
CG: OH, COME ON.   
TG: aight see ya   
CG: DAVE.   
TG:  [Has left the memo!]   
CG: FUCKING HELL. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] [MODERATOR OVERLORD]  changed the name of the memo board to [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] and closed the memo to [EVERYONE] –- 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] -- 

CG: HAS ANYONE SEEN DAVE RECENTLY?   
CG: IT’S BEEN ABOUT THREE HUMAN WEEKS AND HE’S NOT ANSWERING MY MESSAGES.   
GC: 1 S4W H1M 34RL13R FOR M4YB3 F1V3 M1NUT3S   
CG: WHERE?   
GC: H3 W4S DR1NK1NG COFF33 4ND T4LK1NG TO TH3 M4YOR   
GC: YOU SHOULD 4SK TH3 M4YOR   
CG: THANK YOU. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  closed memo to [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] –- 

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] -- 

CG: THE MAYOR DIDN’T KNOW WHERE HE IS.   
GC: OH NO. WH4T 4 TR4G3DY. AFT3R F1V3 HOURS OF LOOK1NG.   
GC: YOU'R3 4 T3RR1BL3 D3T3CT1V3   
CG: STOP SUCKING YOUR OWN BULGE AND TELL ME WHERE HE IS.   
GC: 1 DON’T KNOW.   
AG: Yeah, Kark8 she doesn’t know…….. lay off.   
CG: HOWS ABOUT YOU FUCK RIGHT OFF THAT PRECARIOUS LEDGE AND FALL ON IT CROTCH FIRST.   
TT: All you have to do is admit that you’re worried about him, Karkat. It’s simple, really.   
CG: LIKE HELL I’M WORRIED ABOUT THAT NOOK MUNCH.   
TT: And if he’s sitting right in front of me?   
CG: WHERE ARE YOU?!   
TT: Admit it.   
CG: FINE. I’M WORRIED. NOW IF YOU WOULD KINDLY WITHDRAW YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN FINGERS FROM YOUR WEIRD ALIEN COOTER AND POINT ME IN HIS DIRECTION, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.   
TT: We’re in the second floor of the library.   
TG: fuck you Lalonde   
TT: Now, don’t you leave, David. Kanaya?   
GA: You Hardly Need To Tell Me In Chat To Hold Him Down.   
TT: It’s so much more theatrical this way, though. Isn’t it?   
GA: You Are Correct, My Sweet. However annoying.   
TT: <3   
GA: <3   
GC: YOU’R3 BOTH ANNOY1NG 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  closed memo to [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] –- 

 

\--  CarcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo with [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] –- 

CG: SOMEONE COME AROUND AND HELP ME GET THIS ASSHOLE DOWN OFF THE CEILING.   
TG: well she was just seventeen   
CG: WHY ARE YOU TYPING FROM UP THERE?!   
TG: you know what i mean   
CG: NO, I DON’T.   
TG: and the way he looked was way beyond compare   
CG: OH, SO SHE CHANGED HER GENDER INSTANTANEOUSLY. A FROG. SHE IS A FROG.   
TG: so how could i dance with another   
CG: YOU’RE NOT EVEN DANCING.   
TG: when i saw him standing there   
CG: WHY ARE YOU POINTING AT ME?!   
TG: well he looked at me, and i   
TG: i could see   
CG: WHAT COULD YOU SEE. ENLIGHTEN ME.   
TG: that before too long   
CG: WHAT, STRIDER?   
TG: id fall in love with him   
CG: …   
TG: he wouldnt dance with another   
TG: when i saw him standing there   
TT: I never knew you were a Beatles fan, Dave.   
TG: well my heart when boom when i crossed that room   
CG: WHY ARE YOU GETTING CLOSE TO ME?   
GC: WHY 4R3 TH3 TWO OF YOU ST1LL TYP1NG   
TG: and i held his hand in miiiiiinneeeeeee   
CG: UNHAND   
CG: UNHAND ME, STRIDER.   
GA: Oh, Karkat Is So Red.   
TG: whoa we danced through the night   
CG: JUST BECAUSE I’M HUGGING YOU BACK, DOES NOT MEAN I’M ENJOYING IT   
TG: and we held each other tight   
CG: STOP GRINNING YOU WRIGGLER   
TG: and before too long   
CG: STOP IT.   
TG: i fell in love with him   
CG: THIS IS SO PITIFUL   
GA: Oh My.   
GC: >8O   
TG: now ill never dance with another   
CG: WHAT ARE YOU   
TG: since i saw you standing there   
CG: FUCK YOU STRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr   
TT: An I believe that is our cue to leave.   
TT: Shall we, Kanaya?   
GA: Don’t Rip His Mouth With Your Fangs, Karkat. Humans Are Delicate.   
TT: I think they have it handled, dear. 

\--  tentacleTherapist [TT]  closed memo to [EVERYONE] on board [MAJOR METEOR MEMOS] –- 

**Author's Note:**

> felt like writing something fun in the middle of all the glum of my other fic! haha my shuffle was magical today
> 
> _________________________________________________________________________
> 
> [Here](http://royalrastafariannaynays.tumblr.com/) is a link to my blog if you want to see updates or talk to me about my fics!


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